i love both you and the german language way too much
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Freitag, November 29, 2002
oooh, muy positive salad experience at the silver star...the 'fruity salad', i think-it was a couple different kinds of lettuce (not like i know this type of thing) with some cucumbers (yuck!), banana pieces, walnuts, dried cranberries, and sort of not so good blueberries. truly maaaahhhvelous.plus, being the silver star, itll last me the rest of the week! now ill always have something to order there...yay!
7:35 PM
oh my gosh, viiiiiieeeeeelllllll spass trying to learn(/relearn?) to cross country ski today (wearing my cross country jacket, funnily enough (talking to al b the other day about how i love to say 'funnel'))!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! only problem is that during one of my NUMEROUS falls i scraped/brused my neck on my pole and it sort of looks like i have a hickey there...*chuckles* i think i made some serious progres, though...very very very cool. i hope the snow lasts. i felt really nauseus on my run, afterwards, which sucked...dont know if the skiing or the cookies for breakfast is to blame (silly angel smiley here- o:-P) ...me o my but i dont want to have to put on pants to go out to dinner! im wearing my much-beloved terry cloth shorts and i dont want to take them oooooooooofffffffff (whiny voice) ah, well...food mit die famile and maybe some shopping after. i need shirts. i really want to buy a typewriter for the giving tre kid :'-(
5:29 PM
Donnerstag, November 28, 2002
priya's visit is over *tear*. im exhausted. its so crazy to think about what our lives would have been like if she hadnt moved away. even tho im used to it stuff sometimes feels really wrong and incomplete without her, like she should be at school and stuff. it also kind of seemed like she wasnt happy in michingan rihgt now...i dont know. life is weird. i think im going to take this thing out of my profile, and i really dont' know why. but whatever; sometimes you just can tell something is a good idea without realizing why, even if i seldom operate this way (or is that true? ich weiss nicht. guess it doesnt matter (that is a command! guess it! (sorry going crazy dont know why))) i wonder why i feel the need for parentheses withing parentheses. its probably not exactly allowed by english grammar, but its not like those silly rules have ever stopped me before! im happy but MUY tired and slightly overstuffed. digestion...its key.
8:33 PM
Dienstag, November 26, 2002
so funny just now-my buddy list started flashing at me, and i realized it was rob who'd signed on, and without realizing anthing about it, i just though 'o, nevermind then', or something to that effect - basically i just completely didnt care, and a few seconds later i sort of realized that, and realized that there was a time when i would have cared, when that would haave been such a stupid pointless big deal to me, and i jsut thought it was really cool. also made me realize that even my little 'relapse' was basically nothing...i wrote this post a long time ago and im ony finishing it up now, so i really dont remember what it was i was going to say...o well.
6:56 AM
Freitag, November 22, 2002
dont know why im feeling sort of semi-stressed...i guess i do have kind of lots of stuff to do w/the pryster coming tomorrow...but bright side! no real calc homework for a whole week! maybe once indoor starts ill become focused again and not keep waiting till the night before the test to do it (talked to Zoe Heimer the other day when i ran into her (like, actually running) and she said that most of her advanced classes are like that...cant decide if its good or bad...). me o my i need the season to start, but at least i have this week with no skating and little school to let me actually do some hard core running. I'm really happy, tho, like i would be in one of those overflowing w/ love, peace, excitement, joy, etc. kind of moods if it weren't for the stressiness...maybe ill feel better after sleeping (of course, then ill have even less time to accomplish everything...). grrr maybe i should take this thing out of my profile so that random people that i only sort of know wont get bored and click it, but then nobody would read it (is this a good or bad thing?) if i were reading someones profile i only sort of knew, i think id be too scared to click the link in case they had one of those spy things on it or whatever. ay ay ay im not syaing or thinking anything interesting so ill just stop. Tschau!
7:45 PM
Dienstag, November 19, 2002
grrrrrrr its not like im goiing to post everything thats really botherign me here, you know? i mean, only thie things that i can sort of deal with people potentially reading. wouldnt it be nice (oooh, the beach boys soung...*smiles and hums silently to herself*) if i DID write here with absolutely no self-censoring? then everyone would (sort of) know what was up with me. suffice to say for right now that im really mad at myself for staying up AGAIN and you can jsut read the last journal entry wher i was pissed about being up late to see what im trying not to do right now. im also just pissed at myself for being sutpid, and im fed up with busywork and high school in general. fuck. im so tired of so many things. i just dont have endless patience, at least not for stuff that im stupid to invest any patience in at all. woah, dude, that was weird. sitting here thinking about stuff i shouldnt be investing energy in and i just imed aaron and told him i wanted to block him. congratulations maggie, youre still very screwed up and you confuse yourself immensely...but i think you just made a really good decision. weeeeeeiiiiiiiirrrrd. still pissed off at this journal for not being magical, but feeling better now. very odd, very odd.
10:33 PM
so i got a response from mentor-guy (sounds like a super hero, eh?)! yay! *considers posting the emails but is too embarrassed* bright side is he didnt open with 'you are the stupidest person i have ever encountered. why did you ever write this email you stupid stupid whore.' less-bright side (like the non-shiny side of tinfoil...it's still shiny, really, but just not as shiny as the other side) is that im still sitting in my own private world of embarrassment-smaller world, now, and the guy seems nice and helpful...i am going to have to write another email, at some point *shudders*...wont be AS bad but... maybe the word embarrassment doesnt mean the same thing to me as it does to other people...should i not have to leave the room when fanatic is on tv?!?!? I just dont understand how anyone can watch that show without writhing in embarrassment for the characters. ugly-soudning word, i thing, 'embarrassment'...embarrasingly so. cant bring myself to say it any more.
5:17 PM
Montag, November 18, 2002
lol jsut took my resting heart rate and its 75 (its usually a little below 60)
12:09 AM
Sonntag, November 17, 2002
AHHHHHHHHH adrenaline pulses through my body and i cannot sit still! *leaves to jump up and down the hallway* okay, my mommy ahs calmed me down somewhat...gotta hang on to that...well, the reason I am so worked up is because I have just sent my asr letter to my prospective mentor to scheetz for previewing. ive been obsessing about it all day long. im told this is a learning experience, which is, of course a rather inneffective euphamism for a nearly intolerablly uncumfortable, hateful task. id better walk away from this business with gobs of useful experience. i mean LOTS AND LOTS (and LOOOOOTS!). well, yeah. better get to the other homework. calm, calm, calm, maggie. caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalm. (would do yoga if i hade more time, would run if it were light out or i ahd a treadmill...sometimes life sucks like that. One of my most deeply-held beliefs is that biology sucks, and by biology i mean not the class but rather the workings of my (and others' i suppose) physical existence. biology is most definitely sucking right about now. LET ME GO TO BED!!!!!!!) well, before i go,...lots of interesting stuff today that ive been thinking about...a guy in the trumbull mall talking to his daughter on a phone in such a way that it almost seemed he was making the whole conversation up, because it was so exatly movie-esque...the girl with (i presume) her mother and brother in church in front of me today who was sobbing through several parts of the mass...wonder whats up with them. makes me sad sometimes. i really wish i could buy a typewriter for the kid from the ge giving tree today who asked for one...but where do you get a TYPEWRITER? especially for under fifty dollars? ithink not...well, yeah...the homework. must go.
11:50 PM
worried that patrick might be coming home from college. i hope the current positive state of neighborhood affairs can be maintained.
9:02 PM
Samstag, November 16, 2002
why does it bother me so much to have lots of emails in my mailbox? I was going crazy from having ten or so in there, so i finally got around to reading the new york times articles from mom and got to delete them. seems rather silly to me that i can live atop the junk heap i call my room and still be unable to function with a cluttered inbox. I feel like jane in the later ender books, when she's bringing them out of the universe and back in or whatever and she has to hold the pattern of everything in her mind. i always find myself saying that, since i read whatever book its in, tpo'hold the pattern' of something, because it seems to describe the sense i have of being overwhelmed by too many details, and being unable to think of everything at once. im definitely going to have to become wealthy enough to hire a babysitter for myself when i get older...someone to tell me where i need to be and what i need to be doing, and to travel around behind me picking up everything i leave around.
12:30 AM
Donnerstag, November 14, 2002
am i the only one to whom it seems like a good idea, when finding a narsty mug containing mold growing on the remains of the last unsipped sip of raspberry tea, to simply wrap the mug in a plastic bag and throw it away? Of course, being forgetful and disorganized maggie-who-brings-her-lunch-in-a-bagggy, i might cut my family's supply of dishes in half over a year if i operated this way...but hey! dad's always complaining that we have to many mugs. *leaves to make rasperry tea* o no! kreide! *realizes that the moldy mug was made wiht the last raspberry tea bag* regular tea? decafinated? green tea? sleepy time? perfect peach? sinfully cinamon? ahhhh! too many choices.
9:21 PM
Montag, November 11, 2002
*sob* *sob* *sob* shit im up late again i really didnt want to be damn you aaron now im doing the stupid purposeless frustration thing where i make everything worse my getting upset and then get more uspet by the thought that im making everything worse. i must stay away from stinking aim for the rest o f the week or forever or somthing because i really want to sleep and this is not fucking fun for me. scheize!okay forcing myself to calm my unfocused rage and get some shit done because im not helping anything any.
11:48 PM
had a very disturbing dream last night...too hard ot explain i think but ill just say for now that the happiest part was finding a three-day-old corpse covered in a sheet of white roll paper like you use in elementary school with a marker drawing of a person on it in the staples athletic office (my but i lvoe misplaced modifiers). when i woke up the raditor was making popping noises and i could swear it was a mouse crawling around inside the wall...it was the first time in years, im guessing that i comntemplated running in to mommy and daddy's room to sleep (emotional age: 4?) i ended up fleeing the mice and not sleeping the last hour ont he library sofa.
10:47 PM
Sonntag, November 10, 2002
oh, grrr i m missing cty. having bittersweet memories, and thinking about all of the people ive lost track of over the years. mom told me how she used to have this theory that you could only really have 26 friends, and while i think you can have more than that in shcool, the principle is still painfully relevant...no way to really hang on to everyone...and then there're the people who dont keep in touch even when i do...maybe i should be obsessive like nora, becasue she apparently has heard back from people (person? no...) that dont contact me...i guess its just that she doesnt let time between responses make her feel awkward and stop writing, so the other people dont feel awkward writing to her...im too shy aobut it, i guess, but i really cant make myself write to someone who hasnt written back to me, after a point. emmy and cara and i used to talk about this...how you should never let time make you lose your friends, and its true, i think, but i guess you have to be really good friends wiht someone before it works, or at least, i have to. and then there's all the teachers ill never see again. thats another really weird thing. the people who wont remeber you anywhere near as much as youll remember them...kind of like the random people (person...?) you had a from-afar crush on in middle school, but of course they (he?) never knew it. for quite some time youll probably remeber them and how your non-relationship with them may have shpaed your thinking, and to them youll just be some random girl from sixth grade that theyll forget as soon as you graduate. these kidns of things fascinate me: the one-sided relationships, people who mean more to you than you mean to them, the role models who never noticed they were affecting you...weird stuff, weird stuff. sheesh, i need to go on a run, or something. too much deep thinking. im sad again. must go read joy luck club.
9:51 PM
Samstag, November 09, 2002
just went shopping! yay! im feeling so pretty today, so it was much fun trying on everything, even though im really frustrated because i didnt get shirts or a coat (not sure i want a coat, but my mom seems to think i need one), and i could've if forever 21 didnt close the fitting rooms so danged early. oh well. life goes on. i did buy an excessively pretty one shoulder sparkly dark red dress...though i have no idea what i'll wear it to . somebody'd better have a fancy christmas party, or something...its pretty. too fancy for the cross country banquet, tho, alas. well, yeah. im really happy. no papers to write, ill probably get my calc hw done tomorrow, and i have an extremely pretty red dress. must not buy anything more for myself until christmas...the boys no longer have money, do they? so i guess i should be responsible for going all out on christmas gifts. qutie frightening, but kind of nice in some twisted part of me to see the christmas decorations up at the mall all ready...people are crazy.
10:07 PM
when i grow up, what will now look like? will i look back and say 'i used to be a skater'...it'll be some surprising little trivia fact that no one will know about me that i once had an axel (x my fingers) or a double loop (?) will nine years' work be lost forever? will college be the end, or later? i cant bear it, to think of a non-skating maggie, though i know it ahppens to everyone. i dont want to look backon totally lost parts of myself, like how mommy used to be president of the drama club in high school. 'i used to figure skate when i was little' ill say. as i try to pull off an off-balnce scratch spin for my children, or teach them to do crossovers 'and i used to be really fast, not just a three-day-a-week jogger.'
and i used to know all sorts of things ive since forgotten
there's only finitely many moments for me to do these things; one day ill have to stop, but i cant bear it.
to have this be the height of my glory, in these ways, which now seem all-important but will probably one day fade into small improtance.
never will i ever have enough time to be everything i need to be.
im so sad.
12:21 AM
the meeting with dr k and ms honeycutt today was weird. i dont know if it really did anything, but i guess i ahve a somewhat clearer idea of what he's thinking. kind of annoyed me, his saying that i have a generally 'hispanic,' 'manana' kind of attitude (funny hwo this reminds me of frau, who is completely un-k-like), when he really means that i turned in one paper late and forgot one vocab assignment...or at least thats how things look from my side of the english class. clearly one or both of us has a distorted view of reality. the meeting kind of tured into mrs honeycutt trying to convince dr k that i really cry all the time, and i can't help it. it was kind of funny, but its just annoying because hes trying to get me to make appointments with him all the time, which seem to be his central method of interaction with us, but in the same breath he says how uncomfortable it makes him when i cry and how bad he feels. how am i supposed to come to him with every problem, when i know that i wont be able to have the meeting without upsetting him so intensely? I also think there might be some misunderstanding in that id rather talk to a teacher after class, but he always runs out immediately after the bell and operates more through conferences. whatever. i dont know. ooooooooh, ps skating was so great on wednesday! my (if youre not me, feel free to stop 'listening' now...it probably wont make any sense, and it almost certainly wont interest you) waltz jump loops and waltz jump backspins were getting less all-messy-horizontal-motion-flying-out-of-the-spin-y, and i was jsut generally getting a lot of good stuff from them. i kind of think i should change my haiku to 'i glide awkwardly', though, because between camel sit, camle change camel, splits, lay back, and axel im doing so much horibly hideously awkwardly ugly skating i can hardly stand it. not that its a bad thing, all my single jumps are really strong, though combinations only so-so but i blame axel and spins are...eh. not great. my program was really good for the first time in a long time, though, even if i missed the loops after the lutz and the flip. basically, schlittschu laufen macht viel spassand im hoping to land, and possibly even lose, my axel by the end of the year. not sure how realistic this is, but ill certainly see in time. oh, and moves good too. quite good,a ctually.
12:12 AM
Mittwoch, November 06, 2002
went to the math team meet to visit Allison (alison?) from shnader base (cty) today! sooooooo nice to see someone, even if it cut my run into basically a warmup. oh well, a super-easy first day back is not nearly the worst thing in the world. what is? i dont want to think about it. anyway, i witnessed, as i seldom get to, the horribly bizarre relationship twixt christina and paul...what will become of them (coughcoughseven-frightening-children-one-inn-of-terrorcough)? so yeha, muy bueno to talk to allison, with whom ive had so little contact, about our respective dilemmas (ive learned that she's also struggling with what site(s) and session(s) to go to next year), and about being nevermores (scary thought). also, jenny told me that after reading my entire journal, she understands me even less...hehe, i guess thats life. perhaps im jsut to bizarre to be fathomable. or maybe everyone is. not sure if thats a good or bad thing. just a thing, iguess. and now im off to skating. i really want to be on time and work really hard and well and worry about hw after...hopefully it'll be good. ive been neglecting skating too much and im pissing myself off.
7:18 PM
Montag, November 04, 2002
talking to priya on the phone a minute ago and just now i had this flashback to probably fifth grade when we knew she might be moving, adn we were sitting in the car with my mom talking about all of the stuff our parents would have to buy us if they let it happen, like headset cell phones so we'd be in contact 24/7 or stuff like that. kind of weird, because we coulnt possibly have been thinking about what it would actually be like when she moved, and we couldnt have imagined the phone bills we'd end up costing our parents (serves 'em right...hehe no). its just funny. i cnat really figure out why, but it is. weird and funny.
11:14 PM
isnt it weird how, like (i know for sure youre hear reading ths, cuz like... no [ive probably misquoted, anyway] not that) its sort fo becoming a compliment you can pay to someone's humor to say that you want to put it in your profile. i often find myself thinking how a funny quote would look in there, and i hear other people talk about it, too. funny stuff, culture. funny, funny stuff
10:14 PM
sometimes people worry me. and sometimes they scare me. and sometimes they confuse me. and sometimes they infuriate me. and sometimes they make me really, ridiculously sad. im surprised other people dont cry more, really.
...dont worry, im not depressed, or anything, just in my weird, random crazy thoughts, philosophical kind of mood. almost as often as not people make me cry because their so freaking wonderful. people are cool. not as cool as I, but, hey, what can you do (tee hee you know i dont mean that...much [and again, tee hee])
...and now, having said that 'you' shouldn't worry, im thinking about whethe rtheir actually is a 'you' and whether i want there to be one, or whether it even matters. probably it doesnt. listening to my selected ramblings might make people understand me better, in theory, but im not so sure. basically, this is a ridiculous mebbling thing (you probably dont know what 'mebbling' is, but then agian you probably don't exist so i wont worry about it, k?) that i cant spend my time thinking about. mostly i write this as if no ones listening, anyway, dont i? do i? am i getting into that thing again where i jsut write down everything that comes to my mind (well, of course i couldnt actually write down EVERYTHING, because my mind runs much faster than my hands ever can iand its even hard to notice half the tings that run by on the deeper, quicker, weirder, less verbal leels of my mind...........lots of dots i typed there, but i wanted to kind of express the stalling pause in my thinking it was kind of weird)o right yeah, am i doing that thing? well, yes, now that ive thought about it ive begun doing it and this entry will never be legible, i dont think but hey thats not really the point of this kind of think ing typing craziness the point is ... well, i dont even know but iit tends to be kind of therapeutic, even if its not normally something i would have the whole world see, but hey, three or two or four people who randomly decide to click the link in my profile dont exactly constitute the whole world do they? i really need to improve my typing skill sif i did this would be a much much muh more effectiver medium for trying to understand the way my mind works than the pen and paper kind of thing ive done once or twice. is this faster, or that at the point im at now? im not really sure... i gues it dont matter, as im here now and not about to stop my hands moving because the whole point is that this is continuous like my mind, though its weird that im even trying to do this because thouseands of things seem to be passing by me that i cant capture even as im paying more attention to every thought that i have than i ever would normally byut even so i guess this is not evough ACH! im still cesoring myself i can feel myself trying to filter out useless information thats stupid why would i be doing that like even now im think ng aHH i have to come up with something to say , but in reality i have a million things to say its just that none of them are useful now im picturin gwhoever might hypothetically read this reaing it and i wounder what thier (steven pnker is all for the use of 'their ' and i think i may join in thsi cause though im not sure if i care that much i kind of think i do) but wait where was i oh right the person whos reaidng it (if they exist) and i wonder if they would keep reading it for more than a sentecne. would i if i stumbled on someone else doing this? probably, jsut because ive done it myself and would love to see how someone else's head transfers into word.s...i wonder if anyone else has ever posted some crap like this to a blog probably...i wonder what the people would think of me reading this, or if they would think anything at all or if (they probably couldnt) they would get any sense of the frantic pace at which im struggling with my terrible typing skill sto translate the lower levels of my thoughts because its always bothered me how wheen you think aoubt thinkign your mind gets all ahead of you and tanglesd up, and i guess that's what mebbleing is, anyway, a good way to describe it, something that make syour mind get tangeld up, like when you try to sotop thinking (ever see the weird simpsons episode where lisa gets in the sensory deprivation tank) ach, but in the time ive been typing that one stupid thought, a hundred others have come and gone.. i mean, like it took me half a second to connect to the simpsons episode but maybe twenty or more, i have no sense of time or number s or stuff, even thought it pisse bono off when i wont make estimates, and then i always do but i really just make an outrageous one because im embarrasssed, and that is my central flaw, isnt it ...embarrassment = pride, really...like how it pisses me off so much when people make fun of me, or trick me, or how i even still feel the need to lie to priya, when she asks if i know who some music group is.. i havent done that in a year or so, have i? but i knw othat its still in me, the same feeling, and i know id still not be able to hand a practical joke or anything like. that i think i jsut threw a random perios in that sentence buut no way am i looking up from the keyboard to erase it or anything and that, if your wondering is (partailly) why the typing is so bad here, because im hardly evver deleting anything, and when i do im guessing if i delete the right numbe r of letters or whatever becasue b asically my hands are just moving and im not really aware of whats going on i mean i guess im in control of them byut it sort of doesnt feel that way the t scrathc that tmbg song " drink" is runnign through my head "cuz what words rhyme with buried alive" it a good song i want to get thir new 'childrens' album, NO!.. if i had kids i would probably play it for them.. how old was i when i first realized that all those cool songs patrick played that i liked were by one band and that tahat was tmbg? that was the beginning. i should really stop and go to bed now shoulndnt i this is so freakignna ddictive, but somehow i thinks its atl east partially way way way way better (typing way over and over again reminded me of a peice from orchestra for six falgs in eight grade... the really hard on.. i forget the name i wish all p were here but whatever ) but way bette rthan talking on aim which is the devil, well, eyah, this is like the no spaces thing with tory, or talking out loud when everyone around you is whispering, its really really hard to break the patter and that stank wasting seconds waiting to think of the word patter and where the keys were and yeah, soembody help me stop ill stop right now yeah ill stop.
well, now that ive stopped that, i advise 'you' either to try to follow and maybe even document what you mind is doing soem time, or to never ever do that. its weird, and kind of cool, and kind of frustrating.
12:31 AM
Samstag, November 02, 2002
grrrr im so upset....*crying*...my parents wanted to go out to dinner and i really just didnt want to go...i hate going out to eat its just annoiying and not fun for me. id rather eat at home, and more than that id rather just hang out with them doing stuff OHTER than eating. its soemthing i do when i need to, and its so much easier for me to eat what i want to in my own schedule and not have to worry about being expected to be hungry when other people want me to be. well, anyway i was all sulky and stupid to my parents and i think they think im just in a bitchy annoying kind of mood, or somthing but im really not i jsut wanted to say, like "stay home and talk to me here, or somehting, because i dont want to go out but i dont want you to think i dont want to spend time with you and UG i jsut dont feel like eating dinner right now and i have shit to do but i just dont want to be annoying but clearly thats what im doing so don't go out" but obviously i couldnt have said that because it doesnt make any sense and now im really upset and im babbling to no one and UGH! i want to call them and tell them to come home and get me. o my im having a freaking temper tantrum this is so stupid im so upset and ithink this all has to do with the stupid lonely thing-wait did i never post that!? well, im having a rare bout of random deep lonelines and o crap i give up.
5:55 PM
little women makes me cry (but dont tell andrew harman...). laurie is my best friend. er ist der beste.
12:34 AM
so who'd be at my party...eilertsen, lutz, and cohen, i guess...and rei...rob, of course, and maybe elizabeth lemoine...and maybe christine...? its quite sad if thats wher we've come to, but maybe we have...not quite, actualy, i think. id still lvoe to see her, even though i never do. who else...ms volmar? and mrs martenik (still havent gotten over that thing in 8th grade w/the bra straps and the cardigan...heheh), maybe even goose, to draw from last year...ive forgotten about him, except when christina mentions him twice a year or so, but the thought of having him at this terrible party seems quite disturbing. evan, even (hehe), i ?guess...though it seems ridiculously odd to day that...but maybe, yeah..i dont know...should danny henkoff get to be there? somehow i think not, though we could probably entertain ourselves by talking to/about (which is it? who knows?) him for quite sometime...yeah, none of this really matters, or anything, its just fun to think about, esp in my current philosophical sort of mood.
12:30 AM
Freitag, November 01, 2002
remember christina's party last year? the one we said was going to be a study in social discomfort (esp. fo rme when i thought goose was coming)? well, ive been thinking about what it would be like to have a party of unresovled issues, or something...where all of the people from your past that you dont want to have to deal with come and sit together for an evening...who would come to my party, i wonder? more on this later, i guess.
4:47 PM
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